when you look you see...

When you look you see.....pearl earrings. When I look I see a warm, sunny day. Her so carefully, comfortably, perched on a park bench. The sun basting the pearls just right, whim singly bouncing back to me, adding to her preexisting beauty. Catching her eye she stares back at me. With those wise innocence eyes, that still to this day I crave and ache for from the pit of my heart. Calmness over comes me by this point and I'm at ease. Eased of life's tryings, hardships, and unstable emptiness that I was feeling before this moment. It all just washes away....and it's at this moment I hear her voice. More bitter than sweet more wise than innocent. The familiar, welcome home, warm, fuzzy throw, cup of Jo' to me, that I so desperately needed.

So reassuringly she whispers, "you know how much I love you don't you? You are so special to me, don't you ever forget that! You make me so proud, you are an amazing mother, and daughter, granddaughter and wife. I love you."

These words were commonly spoken, always reminding me of my importance. It was these words that had saved me so many times before. Saved me from breakdowns, tantrums :), puddles of tears, and just plain giving up. My fears, worries, doubts, and disagreements. These words gave me the pathway to a soft landing at the end of the day that I needed to start over for the next.

It's hard to get sucked into all the negative gravity this life puts into our path. She was my assurance, the one stable unconditional soul I knew would be there to catch my falls. My (pick me up) girl! AKA grams.


~Today is harder than the rest grams. For some unknown reason I can't grasp reality and feel as week as ever. Pushing pavements has been a routine of mine most recently.

I may or may not call your set in stone ten digit number daily, just to listen to it's endless ringing. Only to swear that by about the 10th or 11th ring I can hear you pick up. With a slightly weaker "hello" than I'm used to, but the significance of it all remains the same. The pick me up I needed is there in your personalized hello. Almost as if you were expecting my call, patiently awaiting for daily grams dosage.

I may or may not rush to my closet too many times to count and grab your so carefully placed black chubby hoodie from my wardrobe. Crumble it into a ball, jump in my bed and take in its/your smell. 8 months and counting and the smell still seems to linger. Or maybe it's all just imagined....or is it.